I woke up today and I wrote! I know that isn’t “pop open a bottle of champagne” style news, but it IS celebratory. While I still played my fair share of a video game yesterday, zoning out life’s trials and tribulations as my depression has demanded as of late, I also started something new.
A friend who has had a good deal of success with freelance writing recommended to me a site to help me grow my brand – I took the plunge, logged in, placed a bid. And was offered the gig almost right away. By midnight last night, the requested blog post was written.
Not wanting to seem like the angsty, pimple faced teenage girl, professing undying love to the boy she just had her first date with, I sat on the post – for a few hours at least. This morning I allowed myself to indulge in that euphoric feeling of excitement at something new too soon, and submitted the post that isn’t even due until September 4.
Could this have been a mistake? Yes. Am I terrified that all this is going to result in pummeling and crushing blows to my already battered and fragile ego? Also yes. Did I just place another bid for a gig? Sure did.
I am thoroughly petrified of being devastated, my own measure of my worth plummeting to new low depths – but I am also one of the bravest people I know, so I did it anyway.
You see, living has to be a top priority for me now. I have had too many dark days lately. Anyone who knows me knows that hard times, seemingly insurmountable difficulties and enduring pain seems to follow my family like the combined force of Nicki Manaj, Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry is followed on Instagram. Stagnation and complacency is almost welcome and very easy at this time to fall into, like the comforting arms of an old nana.
But that is NOT living. Living is pain, followed by joy, followed by heartache, followed by love, followed by rejection, followed by acceptance. It’s cyclic. It’s tumultuous. And it’s worth the bad. It’s worth the crushing depression, the loss, the devastation.
So, as terror is the easy and accessible thing to feel – and will be felt, guaranteed – I have simultaneously made the active choice to feel hope. Today.
Solyndria Creative 